I found a dead bird when I was cleaning out the gutters
for my friend in her fifties
who says online dating is shit
says her daughter's father had a drinking problem
put goldbond on the baby's rash
and she screamed and shit all over her shirt
and she laughs about it
over a german craft beer made by monks
who have nothing better to do
because theyre not having sex

I walked barefoot down the cracked streets
in the suburbs where my parents live
and I could hear my feet hit the ground in my head
wearing my ex girlfriends t shirt and boxers with flamingos
and I lit a cigarette with a candle lighter

I got blisters on my hands
where the thumb meets the hand
digging up weeds
up my arm from the scabbed up blisters
of poison Ivy
from when I didn't wear long sleaves
and I'd run the shower on hot
to burn the itching off my skin

My friend the chef called me
asking if I knew anyone who needed a bariatric bed
because he didn't need it any more
on account of his sister being dead
he has a smoking problem
I got my smoking problem from him
and the next month
he was going to florida
not sure why
In the end because his other sister
the one who was coughing up blood for no reason
she died too
and I think thats to much for someone
too much for anyone

Wants to see if I can get off from the rehab to work a party
back with my buddy who got a day off construction

Today they were understaffed on my unit
just two
had to get to bed twelve patients each
probably couldnt have finished til ten pm
when the last few had been sitting in their own shit for half a day
pants soaking wet and smelling like cat piss
but human piss smells the same if you leave it alone for long enough

And I'm going down the shore
to the beach off my ex girlfriends town
the last I heard of was jumping off two bridges for my attention
two bridges in one day
and I screwed up the inventory at the shop
was a week after she called to
send me to screening
make sure I'm not going to kill myself
to make sure I'm not going to kill anybody else

Was a day before my assignment was due
my professor sent me with a deaf patient
to go to a thoracentesis
to go on tests
so I didn't have to talk
so I just had to be friendly furniture

Like when I nearly failed a final exam
when the night before she had a belly full of drugs and liquor
and I dumped cold water on her
and I slapped her
because it was called for in the moment
and because I was angry
and she begged me not to take her to the hospital
because she'd never get the job after that
and I drove in circles and stuck her in bed
and counted her breathing and her heartbeat before I left

And now I stare down pills
and I'd lose my edge just to be a little less active in the head
and they do nothing
and I won't call the therapist
and I won't call the psychiatrist to make my follow up

And every time I drink I know its temporary
but I'll drink to go to bed
And take three pink benadryl
and sleep on the downstairs couch with the light on
and wake up when my mother comes for tea at seven
and fall asleep until eleven

And I'm scared
I think one of my nana's could die while I'm away
I've fallen in love with my lady who lost her brain
and I know she'll die soon
and mama say she not have long
but I give her hugs and sips of water and she will smile
and wont remember my name
and shake and grimace when I take her socks off
and say I love you at the end

And then the aide will ask if I am gay
because the way I move my hands seems like it

And the west african ladies all pray
anything and everything away

My car has rot
things I never get myself to throw away
and the west african ladies pray
to exercise the devil
from the men who think they're gay

I see my girl from long ago
in pictures
and I see her skin and I remember being in love
and I can't be spoken to about it
not by her
past pleasantries
and she's smart to do so
and I'm very much alone

A man keeps screaming at his wife
who spends her waning life in bed
Its just a little blood
dont make a big deal about it
and they say he's coming back from his girlfriend's
that's why he's late
and they say she's dead
and I go to check
and they say gotcha papa
and we laugh

And when I was in the twelth grade
I punched myself in the face
before I had to be the face
of the honors society
and give a speech
and I really gave it to myself
and in the pictures my cheeks are twice as big as they should be

I eat one meal a day
and coffee and nicotine
sometimes just a cookie from the snack tray
a sandwhich at one in the morning
my stomach won't settle for breakfast
and more makes me sick

And my friend is dying again
that or she won't graduate
Almost every girl I know well was raped at one time or another

And my buddy's back is getting better
and all I see is phones
and my sister will get married
and I'll stay here
or wander off alone
and buy vodka on a tueday at noon
because the store will close before I clock out
and I'll mix it with water
and stay up when I run out
and I'll dream of feelings that cannot happen again
And I'll stare at my walls
and I'll walk on and on and on and on and on

One day I'll reach the end
and I'll win
getting to know it is just as the beginning
the meaning unknown

These are facts
no argument for them
my greatest song
a hymn
a prayer